One day in about the year 2007 or 2008, I was sleeping in the early morning hours. I recall opening one or both eyes, glancing at the digital clock on the dresser and becoming cognizant of the hour. The alarm was set for 45 minutes later at 6:45 o’clock. It was during winter and at 6:00 o’clock in the morning the sun was still below the eastern horizon, still dark outside. I closed my eye, or eyes, and drifted back to sleep.
I don’t know when it occurred but some time between my 6:00 a.m. glance at the clock and the 6:45 a.m. alarm I entered that state of being where you aren’t really asleep and you aren’t really awake. A qualitative, or quantitative, analysis, had it been possible, would have probably placed it at a 50/50 state of awareness. I remember becoming aware of an intense calm, if indeed “calmness” can be modified by the adjective “intense.” Comfort in body and peace of mind worked together to bring about a transcendental experience, an awareness of flawless bodily existence uniting with an unencumbered human mind created in the image of God, resulting in an inner peace that was in a single moment both experienced and observed from afar. I was the one both experiencing and observing this sacred moment of inner peace.
It seemed as if I was experiencing this for several minutes, perhaps as many as 5 or 10. I consciously chose not to open an eye and glance at the clock as I was concerned this might destroy the moment and this experience of inner peace and the union of body and mind would suddenly disappear in a flash of reality. I was still not quite awake and not quite asleep but I could tell the ratio was moving toward 55/45 with sleep giving way to the awareness of being awake. And then I observed my breathing.
My breathing was shallow. So shallow, in fact, that the breathing process commanded all my attention. I was directing all my sense of observation to feeling the air as it went to and through my nostrils and back into my sinuses. I was looking for expansion of my chest which would cause the lungs to expand, drawing in air with the oxygen needed to burn the fuel to run this magnificent God-made and God-like human body. I became aware I could not feel the chest expand and the lungs fill. I could feel no air passing through the sinuses or the nostrils. My out of body experience was observing a body, my body, as it failed and refused to do something absolutely necessary for the continuance of life. I was not breathing and I was aware of the fact!
I was cognizant enough that I knew this was a serious malfunction. It wasn’t frightening, it was more curious than frightening. In fact, I continued to observe the situation with a great deal more curiosity than concern. I wondered how long a person could go without breathing. And then I wondered just how long had it been since my breathing had ceased. I realized, though I did not worry about the fact, that I really should consider breathing again. Probably sooner than later.
I knew I could go back to sleep and since breathing is an involuntary action I would probably start breathing again. I would often awaken in near shock, sputtering for breath, probably coming out of a state of existence similar to what I was currently experiencing. Or, in the alternative, I could force air in and thereby prime the pump which would result in my breathing again. So I was not overly concerned as I knew I could breathe at will.
I lay there quietly doing scientific observation and research. I was curious about the length of time I had spent without breath. It seemed I had been studying the condition for at least 5 minutes and perhaps as long as 10. And I had no idea how long I had been breathless before I discovered the phenomenon and began my observations.
I lay there on the right side of the bed, lying on my right side which would place “She Who must Be Obeyed” somewhere to the back of me. While lying there doing my scientific research I felt a small hand as it ever so lightly touched against my back so that the open palm was just barely touching. I wondered why she was doing that. It wasn’t a seductive touch because I think I remember that kind of touch somewhat differently. And then, just as gently, the hand pulled away and I returned to my observations. I was left wondering why she did that and was that something she often did at night while I slept. My awake-to-asleep ratio had now become about 60/40 but I was still deep in my scientific studies.
I estimated now I had not been breathing for 15 or 20 minutes and that was simply the length of time of which I was aware. There was no way of knowing how long before I became aware of the fact that I had been without breath. I reviewed the importance of breathing and reviewed the safety procedures I had put in place. I pretty well ruled out the possibility of returning to deep sleep and allowing the involuntary action of breathing to take over. I opted for the deep breath solution to break the suspension of the breathing pattern. I would simply take in a deep draft of air. But not yet. I was clearly enjoying the moment. And then, again, I felt the hand.
I felt her hand place itself ever so gently against the small of my back. Her open palm just barely making contact. And again, I wondered why. She was disrupting an important moment and I had never known her to be so against scientific research. As quickly and as gently as the hand appeared, it removed itself from my back. Leaving my “awake” status at perhaps 65%.
I was awake enough now that reason was setting in and I concluded her rationale for touching me was to see if I was breathing. But I was asleep enough that I was pleased she too was engaged in this observation of breath deprivation. She and I together would observe this phenomenon and would perhaps issue a joint report on the experience. Surely the scientific community was anxiously anticipating such a communique.
No sooner was I returning to my observations of breath deprivation, a condition I had experienced now for at least 30 minutes or so, than I felt movement at my back. I could tell without looking that she had pushed herself up and was looking over my body and into my face. For the first time I understood why she had touched me. I very calmly said in a low voice, “I’m alright.”
She hit me and yelled, “Well breathe dammit! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!”
And now I was fully awake–100%--and my observable moment where I could behold myself from beyond myself was gone and humankind was poorer for it.
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