Any young man who doesn’t learn to cook has a miserable life ahead. I try to explain to my son that he should have more pride than to expect a girl, or a wife later on, to cook for him. And, it is a shameful reflection on his parents, us, for that to occur. Every boy, every young man, needs to be able to cook for himself. The more independence he can assert for himself, the better person he will be, and not only that, there are a lot of girls, and young women, out there who cannot cook. So, every young man needs to be able to cook for himself.
There is a second benefit for being able to cook: it impresses girls. So, allow me to walk you through a date night, your place, a meal prepared by you for a girl you want to impress.
Clean your apartment, or other place of residence. (If you’re living with your parents, stop it. Move out and get your own place, something you can afford.) No one wants to spend the evening in a messy place. The best way to clean a place, and keep it clean, is to get rid of stuff, simplify your life and living. Get rid of clutter. Get a magazine or a sales catalogue from a hip store specializing in young people’s life and décor, and try to decorate using their suggestions. Find a picture you like and mimic it. Once you get it clean and organized, keep it that way. It is a lot easier to keep it clean than it is to get a dirty place straightened up. Simply make it a habit of picking up after yourself.
Get a pound, or slightly more, of round steak which has been run through one of those meat tenderizers, the kind that somewhat shreds it. It will take you a little time to prepare, but this, your major course, can be prepared while she’s sitting there in the kitchen in awe of your many talents. Cut the steak into bite sized pieces and throw it into a microwaveable safe dish. I prefer to cook this in a Corning Ware dish, just large enough to hold everything.
Sprinkle a little salt and lemon/pepper on the meat and allow it to sit while preparing something else. Have a little wine available for you and your date, along with a small tray of cheese and crackers. Have both a red and white wine available so she can have a choice before dinner.
In the refrigerator, have a salad made of mixed spring greens, in which you have dropped a few cherry tomatoes. You can buy it already made, but transfer it from its packaging into a bowl, covered with Saran Wrap, so it will give the impression of homemade. Also, buy a packaged dessert, a desert similar to a cheese cake. It is easy to make, just follow the directions. After completed, put a little canned cherry pie filling on top and keep it in the refrigerator.
Get some walnuts, no more than a handful, and toast them in a non-stick skillet. Simply place them in the skillet over a medium heat and allow them to toast. Mix well and often, shaking and tossing them. Don’t allow them to burn. It would be preferable to do this while she is there watching you because she will be impressed with the shake and toss method, but do it early because they need to cool down after being toasted. Set aside.
Earlier in the day, you should get some frozen rolls and prepare them according to directions. Try to have them come out of the oven just in time for dinner, or a little earlier. I recommend serving with a soft margarine, or, if you want to really impress her, get a quart of whipping cream and, assuming you have an electric mixer, mix it in front of her until it becomes whipped cream. Then mix it a little longer and it will turn to fresh butter. Mix this with honey to form a honey-butter spread. That little touch will be a winner and she will be duly impressed. If you smoke, I could tell you how to impress her by lighting your cigarette, but you don’t need to be starting now. And, she doesn’t need to be kissing a smoker; it’s something like licking the bottom of an ashtray.
You will need a bell pepper, red or green or a combination, cut into slices. You also need an onion peeled and cut into slices which are then separated into rings. You can prepare these two items, onions and peppers, ahead of time if you want and have them available in the refrigerator. Dump these pepper slices and onion rings on top of the meat. If you don’t have enough room, you need something a little larger. Next, dump in a can of Campbell’s Golden Mushroom Soup. Pour in enough red wine to cover the meat, cover and place in a microwave. Cook for 25 minutes on high setting.
Put on some music, some soft crooning preferably. Don’t play hard rock or anything else which would suggest agitation and dancing. The only dancing you want to consider is slow and close. Besides, you’re going to be busy preparing the rest of the meal. With slow music, she can sip her wine and sway to the music, all the time admiring your domesticity. I would recommend something by Frank Sinatra or, to show you are really cool, something by Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
While the dish is cooking, prepare either rice or egg noodles or chicken flavored Rice-A-Roni. If you prepare rice, use the 5-minute instant rice; it’s easier. And, if you prepare noodles, cook them, drain and put in a pan with butter; heat, salt and pepper to taste. But, I recommend the Rice-A-Roni. Have your oven set on 195° which is an appropriate temperature to keep your plates warm, as well as keeping anything warm which is prepared before the stew is completed.
Have a pot of boiling water in which you place some salt. Drop in about 8 asparagus spears. With asparagus spears, wash and cut off about the lower 1 inch of the spear. There is a more precise way to clean asparagus, but this will do for now. This is all the preparation asparagus needs. Place it in the boiling salted water for no more than 5 minutes. If you want to, experiment ahead of time. You want asparagus to still have some snap to it when served. It would probably be best to cook the asparagus after the stew has completed cooking. The stew will stay warm while you prepare the side dishes.
Prepare the salad dressing while she is sitting there. Don’t do it ahead of time and don’t pour it out of a bottle. This little action of making your own dressing will impress her. In a mixing bowl, place three tablespoons of raspberry jam and about a ¼ cup of apple cider vinegar. Thoroughly mix the two with a whisk. Add a tablespoon of Italian spices and whip in about ¼ cup or so of olive oil which is added slowly while whisking. (This is called “emulsification.” She’ll be impressed if you use that word.)
By now, the stew should be done. She may ask you what the name of the stew is and you should tell her it’s an old peasant dish, intended to bless a young couple’s relationship with health, prosperity and longevity. You’ll see a slight smile on her face as she takes another sip of wine. As the dish is preparing, when you have a break in the action, sit with her and join in with the wine and the cheese. Tell her how much you enjoy Landau’s singing.
Take the salad greens from the refrigerator and place in the bowl in which you have made the dressing. Mix the greens in the salad dressing and then place in two salad bowls which have been kept chilled in the refrigerator. Place the walnuts on a cutting board and rough chop with a chef’s knife. Sprinkle the walnuts on the salad in the individual bowls and then place two cherry tomatoes on each salad.
Using a slotted spoon, place some of the stew on each plate. (Remember, the plates have been kept warm in the 195° oven.) The liquid is simply for flavoring, you don’t need much of it on the plate. Place some of the Rice-A-Roni on the plate and then the 4 asparagus spears on each plate. Have a little melted butter ready and pour a little on the asparagus, then salt and pepper to taste. (A little lemon juice in the melted butter would be a positive. If you do that, use some of the lemon zest as well. But, don’t make it bitter to the taste. You just want a hint of the lemon.)
These servings don’t have to be overwhelmingly large. Remember, you’re not there to fatten up. You simply want to quit being hungry and, in the meantime, you want to impress her with your culinary prowess.
So, there you have it. There are two plates, separated by candles, on which you have the stew, the asparagus and the Rice-A-Roni, with a roll. You have the soft honey-butter which you have made in her presence. On the side is a salad, dressed with your very own dressing which she has watched you make. Serve this with a nice red wine, perhaps Chianti or Shiraz.
Afterwards, serve dessert. She didn’t see you make this, but she will be able to tell that you did. She doesn’t need to know you made it from a mix, but, if she asks, tell her the truth. Don’t lie when it’s unnecessary. Serve a light wine with dessert. I recommend a German wine, Liebfraumilch, which literally translates into English as "Beloved lady's milk.” You can tell her that.
There you have it. A perfect evening with Landau Murphy singing in the background. Now, I’m outta here and you’re on your own.
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